Wellit was a good idea at the time
by Reanult
Summary: Just a bunch of snippets. Some of them are yaoi in nature. Nothing explicit.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning: These are my version of snippets. Some of them contain yaoi. Mostly KakaIru If that isn't your thing. WTF are you doing reading my stuff? Get the hell outta here!

Sexual Education

In Konoha there was a fine line between teaching and torture. Indeed there was even a chart in the Hokage's office that stated _exactly_ what crossed the line. Neji decided he needed a black marker so that he might add onto that list.

In this instance, he had to admit that he did respect Gai-sensei's boldness his unwavering support, and naturally his strength and fighting abilities. There was much he had learned and looked forward to learning from him.

However sex ed. was not one of those things. Tenten had fallen into a blank-eyed trance the moment the words '_enjoy the virility of your youth with responsibility!_' had left their sensei's mouth. It was the exact same trance she'd developed in their crash course of physical torture survival training. He still wasn't sure what her mantra of _'be the ball'_ had to do with anything.

Neji blinked slowly suppressing a cringe. There was just something really _creepy_ about Gai-sensei saying the word _vagina_.

Matter of fact, he put that down on his mental list of words that should NEVER be said by Gai-sensei. The previous four: _vaginal discharge, penis, anal, and sex._ Neji cast a covert glance to his green teammate. Lee had been uncommonly quiet…_creepy_ quiet even. There was a frighteningly intense look on his face as he scribbled notes on a tiny pad.

"Gai-sensei?"

Neji suppressed a sigh.

"Yes Lee-kun!" Gai turned away from the portable dry eraser board he'd been drawing—something that might have been either an onion or a part of the female anatomy. Neji was going to stick with _onion_ for the sake of his sanity.

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Across the field in yet another clearing. Kurenai's team didn't have the benefit of torture survival training yet that was _next_ week. What Kurenai-sensei _did_ have was diagrams! Lots and _LOTS_ of very detailed color-coded (with footnotes for better understanding of what the labeled area was responsible for. FOOTNOTES!) and labeled DIAGRAMS!

Kiba now knew seven forms of birth control, how to test _himself_ for testicular cancer how _often_ he was supposed to test for it as well. He knew how to check for breast cancer, prostate cancer, and even skin cancer! During her PowerPoint presentation of WHAT exactly a pap smear was, the how and _why_ he'd cried. Not just cried, cried like Naruto after having the very last pack of ramen on earth. Cooked and eaten with him tied upside down inches beside the bowl with chopsticks in his hand.

Hinata had passed out cold and Shino was developing a twitch particularly whenever Kurenai said _clitoris_.

Which she was doing a _lot_!

"For many years scientist (men)believed that the primary pleasure source for women during sexual intercourse was the actual opening —it is in actuality the clitoris-"

twitch "The _clitoris_-"twitch

Kiba closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to his knees his dog had disappeared on him somewhere in the middle of her prostate exam slideshow and her lecture on the uterus—Kiba now knew more about the uterus than he ever _wanted_ to know!

He vaguely wondered how Shikamaru's group was holding up. Asuma-sensei had kept them in the classroom…that could only mean one thing. MORE videos.

ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

It was like watching Naruto and Sasuke fight. You knew it was going to be disappointing…but you couldn't take your eyes off of them anyway.

Asuma-sensei sat with his feet propped on Iruka-sensei's desk. Well out of sight of the video he had put on for them—an hour ago. Chouji had stopped eating five minutes into it. Ino had her hands over her ears and her eyes closed as tightly as possible. Shikamaru glared at their sensei. Asuma laced his fingers behind his head and blew smoke out of his nose. A deep chuckle rumbled out behind it.

His introduction to the film had been, "You all know what sex is. Or what you think sex is. This is the result of sex. Enjoy." The sadistic smile on his face as the dvd began sent chills down his spine.

Shikamaru cringed at a particularly piercing scream from the woman with her legs propped up and her husband holding her hand. "Get this damn thing out of me!"

"Keiko calm down this is hard on all of us—" the scarred man smiled gently patting his wife's back. The woman turned on him with a snarl.

"Fuck you Yashi! Hard on US? Oh so it was YOU puking your guts out for the first trimester? You with the back aches, false labor, headaches, sleepless nights, heartburn, cramps, going to the bathroom every five minutes because the fucking kid thinks my bladder is a GOT DAMN TRAMPOLINE?"

Yashi had been backing away from the angry woman steadily throughout the rant. Whoever had the camera turned it on the father-to-be curled in a corner of the room his arms wrapped around his knees in terror.

The cameraman quickly turned back to the woman. There was a med-nin in the place her husband had vacated pushing her gently back onto the table.

"It'll be over soon Keiko we promise." He assured her. A second med-nin went to stand on the woman's other side. "Just be thankful you didn't marry a Uchiha!"

The other med-nin laughed, "Oh yeah! Those Uchiha brats are all HEAD!"

That drew a wimper from Ino.

"Tell me about it—remember Itachi?"

"How could I forget! The screaming alone haunted me for _months_."

"It should be illegal for those giant headed mutants to marry anyone without wide hips. "

"Amen to that!"

Ino looked almost green…

"Don't worry Ino-chan. Sasuke-kun's birth is the next one." Asuma offered with a smile.

Ino whimpered again and closed her eyes.

"Ino-chan open your eyes you don't want to miss the actual birth do you?"

"I think it's coming!" the woman screamed, and sat bolt upright. Somewhere off camera the sound of apologetic sobbing was heard. "SHUT UP!"

Shikamaru blinked and watched as the child made their way into the world. Slimy and gray…Oh God.

Well…that was traumatizing. He decided he wanted to go hug his mother for a while.

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Kakashi looked at his students.

His students glared back at him.

He smiled.

They cringed.

He was three hours late.

They hadn't said a _word_ about it.

He smiled brighter.

They _looked_ very concerned.

This was going to be FUN!

"Yo!" he waved a dvd at them, "Let's get started then shall we?"

They gulped in unison.

Five minutes later the screaming began….

Ahhhh the sounds of suffering—er learning yeah that's it.

oooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

"Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball. Be.the.ball." Tenten was trying hard to get back into her trance. "Gai-sensei noooooooooo. Be the ball!"

Neji was shamelessly clutching her arm for support. Angst and coolness be DAMNED! For that matter damn Lee! He had to ask about breast-feeding didn't he? He just HAD to know how painful was it for women to breast-feed. After offering the information that his mother had breast-fed him for 2 years per their religions stipulations.

Tenten had popped out of her trance at that very unwillingly. Two years? You had TEETH when you where two years old! Even he could see the _ouch _in that one! Tenten's arms had gone protectively around her bosom.

Of course Gai-sensei didn't feel a simple answer of _yes or no_ would properly _scar_ them. He had then gone on to state information that he had found on the internet regarding breastfeeding as being a _slight_ discomfort for mothers, and how worth it and necessary it was for a bond between mother and child to form.

He'd also gone into The Stone Country tradition of their ruling family. Virgin girls suckled the infants in the belief that their untainted body would provide the purest nutrition. He had then gone on to explain HOW a virgin could produce milk and also there had been cases of men being capable of producing milk for babies as well. As well as his intention to aid his future spouse to the best of his ability in the breastfeeding process. It was the manly thing to do after all.

_THAT_ scarring mental image was the reason he was almost in Tenten's chanting lap. While Lee looked upon their gold glowing sensei with tearful admiration.

An image of a shirtless and tearful Gai-sensei pressing a green blanket covered infant to his chest, one hand raised in a thumbs up.(Good guy pose take 2!) "Drink DRINK the elixir of life young one! So you may one day enjoy the springtime of your youth!" A mini hand emerged from the blanket in a thumbs up.

It was just so _WRONG_! Neji caught himself before the sob could break through his wall of angst and anger.

"Be.the.ball…."

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

At the end of the day. The rookie nine were gathered in Iruka's classroom. Waiting for the arrival of Gai and his team.

Naruto was quietly curled under a desk in the far back of the room. The sound of a head rhythmically hitting the inside of the desk could be heard. Sakura was sitting extremely wide-eyed and ramrod straight between a whimpering Hinata and Ino curled in as small a ball as the chair would allow. Mumbling something about Sasuke's head and Chouji's meat boulder technique. Both of them intensely NOT looking at Sasuke.

Which probably was for the best considering his current glazed expression.

Asuma arched a brow, and murmured out the side of his mouth to Kakashi. "Nice work? What'd you do to them?"

Kakashi's visible eye curved up in a smile. "Fannie does Fire Country parts one, two, and three. Rounded off with a little Icha Icha paradise. "

"You read Icha Icha to them?"

Kakashi tilted his head to the side. "No I had _them_ take turns reading out loud."

"Ouch."

"At Ichiraku's."

"That's just cruel." Kurenai glared at them out of the corner of her eye.

Asuma and Kakashi let their eyes wander to a twitchy Shino and Kiba mumbling something about diagrams…then back to Kurenai.

Kurenai smiled innocently. "I'll take my winnings in large bills."

Kakashi smirked—at least they thought it was a smirk. "You haven't won yet. Take a closer look at Sakura. She cried all the way back over here. Naruto hasn't said a word in _20 _minutes."

"Hinata fainted twice."

"She doesn't count." Asuma glanced towards the poor girl in question. Eyes closed and face beet red.

"Kiba cried for his mother, and Shino twitches every time you say a word that starts with _c_."

"Yeah right."

Kurenai hmphed, "I'll prove it. Shino!"

Shino lifted his head and regarded his sensei impassively. "I am going to need you to meet me at the training grounds a little early in the morning. Think about what you want me to cook " twitch " For breakfast. I am going to leave it in your capable twitch hands to get your teammates there as well are we clear ?twitch"

"Hai sensei." The boy said evenly.

Kurenai turned back to the other jounin with a gentle smile.

"I knew you were evil deeeeep down." Asuma grinned.

"What did you do to the brats?"

Asuma blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth, "Well remember that video Genma put together a few years back for Miko's baby shower? "

"The one that sent Ibiki running from the room, and made hardened jounin squirm?"

"That's the one."

"You didn't." Kurenai glanced up at a softly keening Ino.

"Did you also remember Sasuke's birth made the cut?"

Kurenai blinked, remember? She'd been trying to forget! The size of that HEAD! Good God! She'd squeezed her legs shut tighter around any Uchiha she passed for weeks afterward!

"And I'm evil?"

Asuma shrugged, "Most effective crush killer I've ever seen."

"Breaking Ino's Sasuke obsession…you just might win."

The elite jounin looked over their victim—er students with pride at a job well done. It was at this time that Gai and team arrived. Lee with his usual enthusiasm, Tenten looking only slightly dazed but no worse for wear. The left side of her top was a little damp, and there were bruises shaped like fingertips on her arm. Then Neji arms crossed and scowl in place marched in last.

"I apologize for the delay. My beloved students needed a moment to reign in their youthful excitement."

All three jounin arched a brow.

Lee stood up and clapped a hand on Neji's shoulder, a look of support and pride on his face. "Neji cried."

The boy in question twitched. Tenten gave his arm a little pat.

"Neji there is nothing to be ashamed of!" Gai boomed striking his nice guy pose. "Only the weak are afraid to cry! Those who are not confident in their strength as men would make another feel ashamed for doing so!" again with the nice guy pose.

Everyone pretended they didn't see Sasuke's death glare, or hear Ino's shriek of _giant head! Don't looook at meeee!_

Kakashi looked at Gai then back to a bright red Neji brushing off the caring hands of his teammates.

Gai made fate boy cry. "What did you do?" he asked quietly.

Gai turned back towards him suddenly ending his tirade on manliness and the healing properties of tears. "Ah my eternal rival. I was telling my students of the joys of breastfeeding-"

"Did you know Kakashi-sensei that men can produce milk!" Lee cut in brightly.

Neji let out a sound somewhere between a kunai in the nuts and the sound a man's soul might make before Enma dragged their sorry ass down into hell.

"It's just WRONG!"

Tenten gave him a pat on the back.

Kurenai, Asuma, and Kakashi exchanged a glance then dug out the 1000 ryou each for Gai.

It was at that point that the classroom door slammed open to reveal the angel of vengeance. Which amazingly had a scar just like Iruka's across his nose—oh wait that was Iruka. Oh shit. Well maybe he didn't know. (translation: I hope he doesn't know about my involvement!)

"Gai-sensei! Kakashi-sensei! I heard some very disturbing rumors!" he cast a quick glance around the room at the varying degrees of trauma looking back at him. Then reassessed his statement. "What did you do to them!"

Kakashi immediately tried to activate plausible lie no jutsu –he could feel the other three doing the same. It fizzled however when Naruto popped out from under the desk at the sound of Iruka-sensei's voice. (translation: YEA! Iruka-sensei will explain away any uncomfortable things I might have been exposed to today! And make Kaka-bastard suffer!) He was at the door face buried in the teacher's jacket in seconds spilling faster than a greased weasel through a drain pipe.

Moments later Ino Sakura and Hinata were five again as well and clinging to Iruka-sensei's waist.

Something cold ran up Kakashi's spine. _Death_ was approaching…and it's name was Umino…

"Ka-"

"Plan of action?" Asuma asked backing (calmly) towards a window.

"I say we give him Kakashi and run!" Kurenai offered.

"We never leave a man behind!" Gai this time.

"_Ka-"_

"We could fight?" Kurenai.

"No we can't. I like _sex_." Kakashi snapped, trying to use I'm-sorry-really-please-don't –get-blood-on-my-new mask no jutsu. It fizzled.

"SHI!"

"Run." In four puffs of smoke the elite jounin vanished not to be seen again for two weeks.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

Was it OOC at parts? Oh hell yeah. For all of it? Oh hell yeah.

oooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Show me some shogi!**

Ino ducked back behind the bush. This was getting _stupid_. At 16 boys were supposed to be a walking hormone! That's right not hormones, hormone! One great big sex and boobies hormone! "They haven't done anything!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "I keep telling you they aren't going to do anything. Even if they really are a couple! Shikamaru is _boring_ and Neji is a _prude_! Like the rest of his clan! No offense Hinata!" she added quickly forgetting the girl was there. Normally Tenten joined them but she was recovering from her last mission still…poor thing who knew dango sticks could be so dangerous!

"Um…"

"We've been here for three hours, maybe those are just clones and they left already!"

Sakura sighed, "I don't think so."

Shikamaru moved a gamepiece and scratched his nose.

Ino blinked, "Wow that was the most action we've seen all day. Maybe next time he'll pick his ear."

"Um…"

"I told you we should have just stuck with Naruto and Sasuke! But noooo Ino wanted to see something different!"

Ino grunted, "Fine let's go, if we hurry we can catch their late afternoon fight!"

Sa-Sakura-chan…I-I really don't-"

Sakura stood up slowly dusting the grass off of her clothing. She pulled Hinata to her feet and began feeling out Sasuke's chakra. _Broody and annoyed_. Sasuke! They were off.

Shikamaru propped his chin on his right hand. "Looks like I win."

Neji looked up at him and glared. "Great. Can we please make out now?"

ooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

ROBBED!

Naruto watched the dark haired boy pace back and forth in the white padded room. He looked sick and pale against the starkness of the straight jacket.

White socked feet kept rhythm with a beat only he could hear. The doctor said it was only a little mental break he'd be fine in a few weeks. In the meantime they were going to keep him drugged off his ass.

They were just happy that they had found him— stuffing handfuls of peanuts down Kabuto's throat…but he was back in Konoha and safe. They were waiting for Kabuto to come out of a coma to question him about what happened to the sound village.

"Naruto!" Sakura came flying around the corner, pink hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail. She gave Sasuke's humming form a pitying glance, then turned back to Naruto. "Naruto Kabuto's awake! Come on!"

He had been the one to find them. He got to be there for the questioning. Or at least that was what he had gotten that old hag to agree to in writing. Notarized no less in triplicate. Granted it happened while she was drunk, but hey Iruka –sensei didn't raise no fool.

So there was only mild surprise when a blond then a pink blur spun down the hall and into Kabuto's holding tank. The seal oozed over their skin as they entered the room reading them.

Kabuto sat upright in his hospital bed, an I.V. dripping steadily into his arm. He sighed. "I suppose you want to know about Orochimaru sama? I don't know if he is alive or not."

"Fuck him! What the hell did you bastards do to Sasuke!"

Kabuto blinked, "Nothing. I have nothing to do with that little psychopath!"

Naruto looked like he was about to launch himself at his throat. Sakura wrapped her arm around his.

"Kabuto your only value to us is what you know about the destruction of Sound." Kakashi spoke from the corner of the room, his one eye glaring into Kabuto's over the top of Icha Icha Bouncy Bouncy. Volume 1.

Kabuto grunted then turned red. " Thank you for the reminder Kakashi-san. Fine. Uchiha Itachi is dead."

"What Sasuke-"

Kabuto smirked, "No. By my hands."

Kakashi's eye widened. Kabuto was _THAT_ powerful. No way.

Kabuto let them stew on that one for a moment before letting his head drop to his hands. "By accident."

Naruto fell over. "What! How do you accidentally kill someone that freakin' powerful! HOW!"

Kabuto turned on Naruto with a glare, "Sasuke lost his freakin' mind! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITACHI WAS FATALLY ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS?"

"WHAT!" That came from everyone in the room.

"He ate my peanut butter pie … Serves the greedy bastard right."

"What!"

"Yeah anyway. Oro-sama-"

"Oro-sama?"

"Do you want this story or not?"

"Please continue..." Ibiki smirked.

ooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

EMBARASSING MOMENTS WITH IRUKA

Most of the time Iruka enjoyed living with Kakashi—really. When he had homework to grade was NOT one of those times.

"IIIIruuuuuukkkkkkkkaaaaaaa."

Iruka kept grading, "Ignorrrring yooouuuuu."

"IIIrruuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Still igooorrrinnnng yooooooooou."

"Iruka!"

"What!"

"I'm horny."

"When I'm done grading."

"I'm horny nooow."

Iruka rolled his eyes, "I sent my five year olds home at 4."

"But Iruka!"

"Not now!"

"Iruka!"

"Later." His pen left a little indention on the paper.

"Iruka!"

The pen went through Hiroshi's doodle of a ladybug. "I said later!"

"Iruka!" The pen snapped in half leaking red ink all over the boy's homework.. That was it. Iruka slammed the pen down the desk and stormed into the other room.

"KAKASHI! I AM NOT GOING TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING TO GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB! I WILL BLOW WHEN I'M DO-Ohmygod…"

Kurenai and Asuma blinked from the open door. Genma leered at him from the window. Iruka did the only thing he could think of. Run into the bathroom and slam the door.

"You are a horrorable person Kakashi." Kurenai mock glared at him.

Kakashi's eye crinkled in a smile. "How long have you been at the door?"

Asuma cleared his throat. "IIIIIIIIIIIIrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaa"

All three jounin broke into laughter. Genma nearly fell out of the window. All laughter tapered off as they realized Kakashi was _laughing_ too.

"I am so not getting laid tonight. Ahhahahaha! It's all your fault ahahahahaha! You bastards are dead. AHahahahaHA!" he stopped laughing abruptly and there was death in his eye. "Run now."

And they did.

"He's not kidding!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

DRINKING IRUKA

"Kashi…" Iruka head lolled onto Kakashi's shoulder. The other jounin at the table smiled. One or two of them dared an 'aww' behind carefully positioned cups of sake.

Kakashi tilted Iruka out of the way of a stray kunai. It hit the wall with a thud and a twang. Kakashi was sober. All of his friends were drunk. His mate was drunk. Kakashi was _annoyed_. Iruka's hands had found their way to their way to his upper thigh again. Kakashi removed them again.

Iruka pouted. Kakashi was ready to go home damn it. "Kashi---Kakashi." His eyes had that super focused look of drunk people trying to look sober. "I'm goin' to go get a drink 'kay?"

Kakashi nodded, and pulled Iruka back onto the chair next to him. Iruka frowned at him.

"Kakashi! I'm getting a drink."

Kakashi blinked at him. "Another one? You haven't drank the one you just got?"

Iruka glared at him—all three of him from the way his eyes were moving. " I did not."

"Sure you did. It's right there see?" Kakashi gestured at his illusion(ed) cup of tea.

Iruka made a grunting noise in his throat and reached for it. "Kakashhhhiiii what would I do for you to me be without?"

"Yeeeaahh." He mumbled ignoring his friends teasing little noises. Okay he did hit a nerve cluster behind Genma's right knee but he had that coming with the cough coughwhippedcoughcough.

"You're so lucky Kakashi-san!" Anko spoke up. Her voice thick with tears.

Great the crybaby drunk was about to –

"WAAAAH! Why won't you two get married! Why do you keep stringing Iruka-sensei along! He's to GOOD for the likes of YOU!"

Kakashi sighed. This was funny he was drunk. Not funny when he was sober…and there were a lot of Iruka fan ninja in the room tonight. Not to be mistaken for fanboys and girls oh no. Fan ninja were scaaaarrry, Obsessive stalkers with the know how and killing ability. Most times with no morals….

A girl he didn't know wrapped her arms around his shoulders then. _That was bad. _"'top pickin' on kashi-sama!" She's drunk. _That was good._ Iruka wouldn't kill her.

Iruka looked up at her, "Kashi? No one is pickin' on kashi…kashi is bery good ce'real! I eat it ever'y mornin'!"

"She's talking about me Iruka-kun." Kakashi replied. Trying to shrug the woman off before Iruka's alcohol soaked brain caught up—to late.

Iruka grabbed the woman's wrist in a very tight grip, and yanked her off taking several strands of Kakashi's hair with her. "OFF!"

Kakashi glanced around the table at the vaguely surprised faces, Iruka lulled them into forgetting he turned into a pmsing fox demon when he was angry. Oh but when they remembered, the _wolves_ were in the chicken coop and licking their chops.

The girl stumbled but quickly caught her balance. "The fuck?"

"Find your own." Iruka snapped.

The girl sneered. "I don't see a ring on his finger…"

_Oh crap. _Kakashi was pretty sure the mumbled chant of 'bloodbloodblood' was coming from Genma or Asuma.

Iruka glared at the girl, then turned to look at Kurenai and Anko. " Kurenai-chan Anko-chan may I 'ave your cherry stems please?"

The kunoichi looked at each other and shrugged putting the five stems from their konoha iced teas onto a napkin and pushing it towards Iruka.

The drunk teacher, looked back to the woman. He smiled…(Kakashi decided it was a scary smile) and put the stems in his mouth one at a time.

"What the hell?" Asuma asked. Iruka held up a finger. His tongue every now and then causing a bulge in his left cheek every once in a while. Finally he turned back to Kakashi lifted his left hand and kissed the glove covered palm, and pulled it off. Dropping it to the table.

The woman snorted, Iruka curled all of Kakashi's fingers into a fist, and kissed his knuckles. Then he turned Kakashi's hand palm up and coaxed the copy-nin's ring finger straight with the tip of his tongue.

"Subtle much?"

Iruka just smiled, and sucked Kakashi's finger all the way into his mouth. This action was met with the sound of glass hitting the floor and table. The scent of blood and booze mixed into an almost corporeal being. Kakashi would have thought it impossible for so many ninja to get a nosebleed from nothing more than Iruka sucking on his finger…but. IRUKA WAS SUCKING ON HIS FINGER! And that was the only thing registering in his brain.

"Someone get a camera…" Genma _again_.

Iruka pulled back with a mischevious look in his eyes. He held Kakashi's hand up where the woman and most people in the bar could see it. "There a ring."

Kakashi looked at his ring finger and—stared, He forced himself to blink then stared again. Yes it was still there…

"Holy…shit…"

Iruka was turned towards the table again, reaching for his illusion sake.

"Okay we're going home now." Kakashi stood dropped money on the table and vanished with Iruka in the time it took for Genma to fumble out a camera. (3 seconds)

"Did you see that?"

"Yes we did…"

"He made a ring!"

"Yes he did."

"With his tongue!"

"Yes he did!"

"It was braided! All five stems BRAIDED!"

"Yes it was."

"WITH HIS TONGUE!"

"Yes he did."

"HIS TONGUE!"

oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

"Thank you for coming today Itachi san—Sasuke-san. I am Dr. Saotome." The woman bowed and gestured towards the two lounges faceing the window. Sasuke glared at his brother and waited for him to pick a lounge.

Itachi barely gave him a glance and settled himself on the red one to the right Dr. Saotome took a seat at her desk which just so happened to be right next to the door…

"Sasuke-san. I see that you waited for your big brother to be seated before you sat down. Why is that?"

Sasuke glared at Itachi who couldn't care less.

Dr. Saotome cleared her throat. " I hope you don't mind Sasuke-san. I took the liberty of talking to your teachers. From the information I was given. They seem to have a concern about your temper…"

"There is nothing wrong with my temper. According to someone ELSE in the room. My problem is that I don't hate enough."

Dr. Saotome blinked, "Itachi san is this true?"

Silence was her answer.

"Okay. Sasuke-san they also mentioned that the only family you have left is your brother. Are you angry with your brother?"

"YES!"

Dr. Saotome nodded and made a quick note. Finally some progress. "Why are you angry with your brother?"

Silence.

"Hmm. Are you angry with him for living? For abandoning you?"

"Yes…"

"Is that really fair?"

"Yes."

"Why? Is it his fault that your parents died?"

"Yes."

Sasuke-san I understand you are grieveing but please know you are not the only one grieving. Your brother has lost his family as well. Do you think he might be hurting to?"

"No." accompanied with a snort.

"Do you feel closed to your brother Sasuke-san?"

"Maybe if you let him in—he'd let you in."

Sasuke snorted again.

Dr. Saotome decided to take a different tactic. "Itachi-san do you know why your brother blames you for your family's death?"

"Yes."

_Okay don't hurt yourself explaining tonto. _

"Why is that?"

"Because I killed them."

"You feel as though-"

"No. I. killed.them." he said slowly and sat up. " I cut them down like pigs in a slaughter house…" there was no maniac glee in his eyes…just simple fact.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"Because I could."

"You killed your whole family because you could?"

"Yes."

Then there was silence for the next 20 minutes. Finally Dr. Saotome stood and straightened her purple suit. She walked over to one of the large book cases on the far wall and pulled down two volumes.

With a sigh she walked over to the two brothers. Handed the red book to Sasuke and the green one to Itachi. Bowed. Then ran like hell out of the room.

Sasuke looked down at his book, then at Itachi. "What did she give you?"

Itachi's face looked like it was almost trying to smile…almost. "_Chicken soup for the soulless."_

Sasuke hmphed, "That sounds about right."

"You?"

"So your brother is a sociopath—get over it. by Dr. Phil."

ooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

Thank you very much for reading this. It was fun to write--till it wasn't.

Oh and one more

Naruto: Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi: Yo!

Sasuke: This is not going to work Naruto.

Sakura: Yeah Naruto.

Kakashi: What isn't going to work?

Sasuke: Naruto has a new move he wants us to test on you.

Kakashi: Oh?

Naruto: Please?

Kakashi: This could be interesting—or painful.

Sasuke: It won't work

Sakura: This is stupid Naruto (Inner Sakura: Sucker!)

Naruto: SHUT UP! On three! 1, 2, 3!

Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke: SexyIrukasensei no jutsu! (from here on known as SISJ)

Kakashi: Three laughing naked…Iruka's—nice steam…Iruka is going to fucking kill you.

Iruka: NARUUUUTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Naruto: Uh oh.

Sasuke: Uh-oh nothing idiot! Scatter!

Sakura: He can't kill us all!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

"How exactly does this work now?" Kiba asked.

" More importantly--_why_ do I have to participate?" Temari snapped crossing her arms over her chest.

Iruka sighed, "Because Temari-san. You do." Tsunade's approach to sexual education was becoming a giant pain in his ass. "For the next three weeks, these are your children." He explained for the third time pointing to the blue and pink diapered baby dolls stacked on the desk. "You will be paired randomly and given either one or two 'babies' depending on your families propensity towards twins.

Neji mumbled a curse under his breath.

Iruka ignored him and picked up his clip board, "Please keep in mind your dolls will behave in much the same manner as a real baby, it will cry at regular intervals—often in the middle of the night. It will require feeding, changing, and affection. If these needs are not met we will know. Any questions? That was rhetorical Lee. Now when I call your name come to the front of the class and collect your infants. Chouji you are the classes single parent giirl. Neji and Ino boy and girl-

"What!" Ino's indignant squawk followed by a muffled '_yes_' from Tenten.

"No complaints!" Iruka snapped, then returned to his list, "Sakura stop smirking, you're paired with Lee. Boy."

"Ha!"

"Bu-bu-Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka continued like a wheat field on fire. "Shikamaru and Temari. Girl."

"Great."

"Oi. Shikamaru's brains and Temari's bitchy gene that's one scary kid."

"I can hear you. Thank you Naruto-kun. You are paired with Shino."

"Creepy bug boy? But Iruka-sensei—"

"Girl. Kiba and Kankuro boy."

"Hinata and Sasuke two girls."

"Last but not least Tenten and Gaara girl."

And then there was silence….

Gaara glanced at the suddenly pale girl on the other side of the room. She looked back terrified.

"Any questions? Comments?"

Tenten raised a shaky hand, "Yes I—I don't want to die!"

"Tenten's desire to live has been well noted. Please retrieve your infant and coordinate your schedules with your spouses. Have a good evening."

OOOOOO

Should I continue this? --; Yes? No? Please tell me!


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. _

_Warning: There really isn't a pairing pairing in this thing --; except veryslight KakaIru...I have idea what I am doing. _

_Neji and Ino_

"Hey! Hey dip-wad I'm talking to you!"

Neji ignored the shrew screeching from the end of the street at him. How was participating in this activity supposed to make him a better shinobi? How would this make him stronger?

Gai-sensei had explained it would strengthen his sense of family and some crap about a small dip in the spring of youthful virility. Whatever. He dumped the things with that blonde girl and she could deal with it from there.

With such deep thoughts it was a wonder he managed to dodge the barrage of kunai thrown at him with the intent to kill. He immediately whirled to confront his attacker and found a blue blanket wrapped doll shoved into his hands, and a pissed off blond two inches from his face—hmm cinnamon fresh breath that was a plus at least.

"Listen jackass I'm as happy about this set up as you are! My poor Sasuke-kun stuck with that simpering cousin of yours—at least it's better than pink and proud but anyway! If you think I am going to be doing this by myself you have another thing coming-"

"Look you-"

"SHUTUP when I speak YOU listen got it?"

Neji blinked, his experience with the female species was limited to cousins' mother and Tenten. He'd never had a woman speak to him like this before—intellectually he knew he could take her in a fight—but something in the pit of his stomach was burning—was this fear? The vein on her forehead was not attractive—nor did it look very healthy. He nodded as capitulation to its buldgey power. This seemed to be the correct offering.

"Good now here is what is going to happen—"

Sakura and Lee

"Do not worry Sakura-san I will lend all my youthful strength and vigor towards the growth of our young!"

"It's a doll Lee."

"Yes! A creature dependant on the love and nutrition only your body can supply!"

"It's a doll Lee!" Sakura replied her face turning beat red as several people on the street stopped to stare at them.

"Let us begin the journey of parenthood with passion and dedication! Look a sunset Sakura-chan!"

Sakura clutched the doll harder to her chest, "Why me God?" the doll began to cry much like Sakura herself wished to do.

_Shikamaru and Temari _

Shikamaru glanced towards the blond woman walking beside him. She'd immediately upon exiting the classroom taken the doll—er Shika-chan as she insisted on calling it. Who knew their doll would be the first one to have a name…

Inner Shikamaru shrugged.

"Responsibility for Shika-chan will be divided evenly between us. I prefer to train during the evening or early morning hours. This is the schedule I keep back home, it is the schedule I intend to keep while I am here. While I am training you will be responsible for the care and feeding of Shika-chan. In the time that I am not training or you are not training we will be together establishing a stable environment for Shika-chan's development. I read in ninja mother weekly that the most important thing for an infant to grow up to be a healthy and stable ninja is a strong family unit."

And your family is a perfect example of that isn't it. Shikamaru thought—in a whisper—to himself…

"How troublesome."

Temari turned on him with a glare. "You should take this seriously Nara! They teach us to kill, they teach us to shut off our emotions, they teach us to make short range radio's with coconuts and sharpened pencil's, but never before has anyone attempted to prepare us for the time when we will be responsible for bringing future shinobi into the world. This is training and you will take it seriously!"

Shikamaru blinked. Inner Shikamaru mumbled troublesome…

_Naruto and Shino and Mushikago er Tonjiru _

"Ne Shino! We are not calling Tonjiru-chan Mushikago!"

"Mushikago is a perfectly acceptable name. Mushikago is what she will be known as."

Naruto glared at the back of Shino's head. Upon leaving the classroom, Mushikago had been stuffed into the front of Shino's coat.

"I do not believe the landfill you call an apartment is an appropriate place for M-"

"TONJIRU!"

"-To be. She will stay with me in the evening. We can meet up on the training field tomorrow to decide the schedule Mu-"

"Tonjiru!"

"Will be placed on. I read in Ninja mother weekly that placing an infant on a schedule as soon as possible is the best way to ensure a safe and peaceful childhood…"

There was a long silence, "Why were you reading Ninja mother monthly?"

"Weekly. That is no concern to you."

_Kiba and Kankuro _

Kiba looked down at the 'baby' he'd loosely dubbed Inukaki. Akamaru sniffed him suspiciously.

Kankuro shrugged.

"Well?" he asked.

"Well?" Kiba asked back.

"Hungry?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go eat."

"Cool. Akamaru carry Inukaki for us ne?"

_Hinata and Sasuke _

It wasn't until Sasuke had stridden well away from the safety of Iruka's classroom that Hinata's claws had come out.

The girl had simpered and stuttered halfway through the sprawling Hyuga mansion. So it was to his great surprise and—well now quiet frankly terror that upon passing a darkened room of Hyuga mansion. Hinata grabbed his collar and slung him against a wall one handed kicking the door closed. With byakugan blazing its veiny glory she proceeded to growl yes growl orders and threats at him. The one about scooping his balls out with a heated spoon and making him eat them unseasoned was—concerning.

When he grabbed her wrists to defend himself Hinata broke away tossed off her thick ass coat and tore the sleeve of her shirt. She then fell down and shrieked—by the time Sasuke managed to blink and open his mouth to ask if she was alright. Neji and Kurenai had arrived.

Being a genius he quickly figured out Hinata's strategy—but not before being hauled out the door by his _hair_ by Kurenai-sensei and screamed at for a good ten minutes(over Hinata's please of i-it's not his fault. No Kurenai-sensei I can handl-aH-it-it will be okay…)before having a set of pink blanketed dolls shoved into his arms and lead from the property.

It wasn't until he was at the front door of his home that realized how deeply he'd been duped.

Gaara and Tenten

Tenten thought it would be best if they set up their schedule in the classroom. Gaara had decided to call the doll "Ryu—bi."

Tenten agreed. Beautiful eyebrows? Okay she'd go with it.

"And any other time Ryu-bi will be raised in the tradional way of our village."

She could live with that—

"Buried to the neck in sand."

"WHAT!"

Gaara gave her creepy look number #13, "Buried to the neck in sand. It has worked for centuries."

"You are not burying our baby in sand."

Creepy look # 10. "I won't?"

"No! That—that's sic-so SOOO very wrong!"

"I say-"

For once indignation took Tenten's common sense. "And I say no! We will work out a plan that is beneficial to both ourselves and Ryu-bi!"

Creepy look # 25, "No one tells me no."

"I just did!"

Inner Tenten curled up into a ball and cried—she might have peed on herself to she wasn't sure.

Kakashi and Iruka

Iruka set the doll down on Kakashi's lap and went to the bathroom, he returned to a screaming doll and Kakashi frantically trying to figure out which key to put in its back.

He smirked life was good.

A/N

Hey if anyone wants to take over the story so I can go back to being a reader would you let me know? Please? --; I suck...

Review please? Suggestions are also welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I own nothing _

_Warning: Language. And not funnyness abound._

_Neji and Ino _

Week one of domestic enslavement had been—traumatic. Ino was controlling, and borderline bipolar not a good combination. Top that off with a good dose of low self esteem and screwed self worth and you had a psycho sundae. God help the man that bitch trapped into marriage.

It was at this time a brown sparrow flew across his path. He sighed, just a week ago he was nearly as free as that bird…now. Now he was firmly nailed and chained to the ground, the responsibilities of a parent balanced on his shoulders far to young…

"Quit gawking at the sky Neji and come on! Sheesh you and your damn portable head wind what the hell? We're going to be late for check in!"

Neji glowered at the stalking blond in front of him. Damn her anyway!

_Sakura and Lee_

Under threat of naked Naruto cancan dancing. Sakura would admit that Lee was very good at this parenting thing. In the week they had been a 'couple'. She'd done little more than give orders. Not to terribly different than what she did regularly but it was a nice change to have them obeyed without yelling and threats of bodily harm.

"Lee the baby's crying." Nevermind the fact that the 'baby' was sitting in her lap at the time and Lee was in the next room.

"Yes! Sakura-chan! Gai-kun daddy's coming!"

She could get used to this mommy thing.

Shikamaru and Temari

"Temari—"

"Which one do you want next Shika-chan? Cat in the hat or the Little engine that could?"

"Temari."

"The little engine that could it is." She smiled and patted the doll on the head. Then extended a red book to Shikamaru.

Shikamaru looked at it like it was covered in maggots and dog shit. "What's that for?"

"Ninja mother's weekly said that a father reading to their daughter is one of the best ways to build a lasting bond, and create good childhood memories. These memories come in handy in torture and interrogation situations as easy mental escapes."

"You're—you're fucking kidding right?"

Temari's eyes narrowed and she pointed to a pickle jar half full of coins to his left.

"It's a doll Temari!"

"Firm rules are necessary for children, if they see that adults are required to follow rules as well it gives them a stronger base in reality."

"I think you need a stronger base in reality." He mumbled as he put three coins in the jar. He'd be broke before the end of the week.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." _You bitch._

"Then start reading. It's almost Shika-chan's nap time."

Shikamaru stared at her for a few seconds more, just to be sure. "You're serious aren't you?"

"As a heart attack."

He sighed and flipped to the first page, "Chug chug chug. Puff puff puff…my god I feel so stupid…"

"Read! And don't forget to engage Shika-chan in the story! That's always important."

"Ding-dong. Ding-dong. The little train rumbled over the tracks…what the hell is a train anyway?"

"READ!"

"Okay okay sheesh troublesome."

"One quarter in the swear jar!"

"That's not a swear word!"

"It was meant as one, and I do not want our daughter picking that word up from you!"

Shikamaru sighed and dug out a quarter, yep he'd be broke before next week. "She was such a happy little train because she had such a jolly load to carry. Unlike this load of crap that I'm reading now."

"Shikamaru!"

"Her cars were full of good things for little boys and little girls. Like go sets, and rainbows…and kunai and explosive tags…maybe a forehead protector or two…"

"Shikamaru got damn it!"

Shikamaru smirked, "Swear jar it's important that our daughter see that all adults have to follow the rules…"

Temari narrowed her eyes but dug a wallet out of her cleavage. "You…"

He may be broke by the end of the week, but he wasn't going down alone.

_Naruto and Shino _

Naruto was slightly uncomfortable…okay that was an understatement. Naruto was completely freaked out.

It had seemed like a really good idea at the time. Shino invited him to dinner with his family—he accepted. Hey a free meal was a free meal right? Wrong. It had been the longest 45 minutes of his life. The concept of complete of total silence had never been so frightening before. And Shino's mom…he cast a quick glance at the woman in question and found her black reflected stare on him. He looked away.

"Naruto."

Naruto cautiously looked up at Shino's mother. It felt like she was staring at him but it was hard to tell with that high collar and black glasses. In fact he wasn't sure if anyone else was eating but him.

"Y-yes ma'am."

"Would you like seconds?"

"Ah-ha no ma'am I am very full th-thank you for inviting me."

She inclined her head slightly, the movement dipped her face even further into the collar of her shirt. It reminded him a turtle.

"From what Shino has said about you…I was under the impression that you ate a considerable bit more."

"U-uh…" Suddenly it seemed every pair of eyes around the very large table was focused on him.

"The fact that you would eat only one serving would suggest that you do not enjoy the food. Is that the case?"

Naruto glanced out of the corner of his eye at Shino. Shino stared right back at him over the collar of his shirt.

"N-no that is not the case at all! It was ve-very good really! I'm just full haahaha..ha…ah."

"Normally when someone laughs in that manner it is a mean that they are being evasive or avoiding the question…is this the case?"

Naruto wondered if it would be rude to run screaming from the property.

"Your face much resembles a fire beetle that has wandered into an ant colony. Is that your feeling?" this from a girl that had introduced herself as Hina upon arriving.

"Someone might consider it hurtful if they spent all afternoon preparing a meal for there guest and it was unappreciated. One might even feel inadequate. Is that a good way to make another feel?"

Naruto really wanted to cry…luckily for him Tonjiru began to cry. "Oh thank you God! Er crap I said that out loud. Tonjiru-chan is crying I got it! Daddy's coming!" He almost forgot to open the screen in his haste to escape.

Shino's parents looked at each other, "I thought the baby was Mushikago."

"I knew he did not like my cooking. I believe I am feeling hurt."

_Kiba and Kankuro_

"This is so easy …" Kiba snorted leaning back against a tree.

Kankuro shrugged and glanced at Inukaki comfortably situated in the belly of one of Kankuro's puppet.

Akamaru was sitting beside it looking concerned.

"Che. Waste of time. Total waste of time…."

"Hey at check-in didn't Iruka-sensei say something about the doll adapting to the personalities of the 'parents' or some crap?"

Kankuro yawned and stretched, he hadn't really been paying attention either. Watching all the other new 'parents' fight had been far more interesting. "Well that would explain why our kid doesn't cry as often as before."

"Hm."

_Hinata and Sasuke _

Sasuke had resorted to his last option, beating his head against his desk. And slapping a pillow over his head. "Will you SHUT UP!"

The damn dolls were possessed! He had not had a decent night's sleep in the week the evil things had been with him! It seemed as soon as he'd close his eyes one of them would start screaming, by the time he figured out what it wanted! The other one would start crying!

The first uninterrupted sleep he'd gotten was during check-in with Iruka sensei. Hinata had taken them for three hours, then promptly returned them.

If it wasn't for the threat of neverending Naruto teasing, he'd chuck the damn things out of the window!

"You shouldn't yell at our children Sasuke-kun." Hinata's voice reached him just before his pillow was ripped away from his head.

"Ahhh! You! How did you get in here?"

"You didn't lock your door." She smiled, "I felt rather bad for you, and decided to take the twins for a little while…"

Gaara and Tenten

On the bright side Tenten had gotten her way on the non-sand nin raising policy. On the not so bright side. Gaara had taken Temari's Ninja mother weeklies as his personal bible.

She wasn't completely sure if it was funnier or scarier to watch him reading Green eggs and ham to a doll.

"**_I am Sam_--_I am Sam_--_Sam I am_. That Sam-I-am. That Sam-I-am. I do not like that Sam-I-am. **I do not like that Sam-I-am either. I want to kill him. Why are children read these inane stories.**"**

"He's not real Gaara." Tenten put in quickly. Trying to end the barrage of questions before they began. Cinderella had spawned an interesting discussion on slave labor, and Cinderella being a bad example for female children and the likelihood of giving Ryu-bi a rescue me complex. Though he had enjoyed the ending where Cinderella's evil stepsisters had their eyes pecked out by birds—a little to much actually. He had mumbled something about creating a new jutsu…

Rapunzel he'd labeled as an ungrateful harlot, which Tenten had been far to disturbed to pursue the thought process behind that. Unconsciously Gaara's monotone slipped through her thoughts…

"**_I do not like them in a house. I do not like them_**

**_with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am. Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?' Why is he not getting the hint? Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere. I would not eat green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am. Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat them. Eat them. Here they are. _** When is the dog thing going to kill Sam Tenten? Will it be painful?" Gaara's gaze on her drew her completely out of the trance she'd been attempting to go into.

"Er…no."

"I do not like this story."

Tenten laughed nervously. "It was one of my favorites as a kid…"

Gaara glared at her, then turned back to the book. **_"A train. A train. A train. A train. Could you. Would you on a train_****_?"_**

Tenten almost laughed out loud, she wasn't completely sure during the week when she stopped being completely terrified of Gaara and became only vaguely afraid for her life. Kinda like going from _ohmygod my bed is on fire and I'm tied to it with chakra wire!_ To _oh crap I hope that dog does not have rabies! Or oh shit I hope Neji doesn't find out it was me that wrote Hyuga have Tifa hair on the bathroom wall._

Hmm she really hoped he didn't find out about that…

88888888

Hey hope you liked it, there really will only be two more parts, honest they will be funny…

Hey if you want the rest of Green eggs and ham: http/members. KakaIru

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Iruka continued to stare... "Hm?"

"Are you...are you sucking your thumb?"

Kakashi shrugged and turned back to his book; index finger curled over the bridge of his nose. He absently turned the page with his pinky.

All the while completely oblivious to Iruka's struggle to grasp the situation. And decide if it was okay to be turned on. For one thing, Kakashi was half curled on his couch in nothing but a pair of low-slung sweatpants. Icha Icha Paradise held loosely in his hand resting on his raised knee. Nice picture...very nice picture. Iruka decided to watch that part for a while...

That was the intention, but there was something undeniably fascinating about a thirty year old man sucking his thumb!

"U-um..."

There was a teasing light in Kakashi's visible eye, as he smiled around his thumb. "You're thinking dirty things aren't you?"

"You're thirty! Most people stop doing that when they're five..."

Kakashi shrugged again. Most people didn't have a body count at five.

8888888888

Thanks everybody for the reviews! I really appreciate them Vbrd you have a sadistic streak. I like it!

Eternal Moon Ninja you reviewed me more than once you're awesome! I tend to rush getting these things out so I forget to do all of this but seriously I do appreciate the reviews everyone.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Warning:Erm? Nothing?

"Ahh welcome back everyone. " Iruka smiled at the room at large, doing a very good job of ignoring the crying dolls, and glaring and harassed young ninja before him. "I am very please to hear that no one killed their babies. Now to conclude this portion of the sexual education program. I will ask each of the young couples to come to the front of the room and share briefly what they have learned from the experience. Ino and Neji you are first.

Neji carefully picked up the twins waited until Ino had stormed halfway down the stairs before following. The blond girl turned towards the class with a huge grin. "I learned that I will be an excellent mother Sasuke-kun! So much better than Superforehead over there!"

"What was that?"

"You heard me Godzilla brow!"

"Say that within arms reach you cow!"

"COW?!"

"That's right MOOO MOOOO!"

"S-Sakura-chan I do not think the vein in your forehead should be that large—though it is still very cute perhaps you should sit-"

"SHUT UP LEE!"

"Yeah between your eyebrows and her forehead and blinding pink hair your kid won't need ninja training-"

"Leave Lee out of this!" Sakura had managed to get on top of the desk, unfortunately it was Gaara and Tenten's desk.

"Okay that's enough thank you Ino and Neji please take your seats…" Iruka sighed.

"But Iruka-sen-"

"Now."

"Yes Iruka-sensei."

"Great. Thank you Ino, and Neji I am so sorry A+."

"Thank you."

"Hey!"

"Sakura and Lee."

"The beautiful flame of-"

"Great A+. Shikamaru and Temari?"

Shikamaru stood up with a put upon sigh, "Babies are annoying the end."

"…Okay B. Kankuro and Kiba?"

"Eh? The thing was alright." Kiba shrugged and leaned back in his chair.Their baby laying on the desk.

"B. Chouji?"

Chouji looked up from the carefully placed baby bassnet with yellow ruffle and sighed, "My mother was thrilled to have a baby in the house again. Even a fake one, she barely let me take care of it.."

"…A+. Naruto and Shino?"

"Iruka-sensei! It was horrible! Shino's family—the glasses and the bugs in the doll! And the GLASSES! Then the dinner and the staring and montone and creepy questions! And-"

"You put bugs in the doll?" Iruka asked cautiously.

"Yes the clan elder felt it was important that I see the entire process Ab-"

"Gotcha. Keep the doll." Iruka smiled tightly, "Hinata and Sasuke?"

Hinata cast a shy glance at Sasuke then stood pressing her forefingers together,"Ano…it was a very interesting experience, babies are so cute, but they are a lot of work—"

Sasuke snorted.

"Sasuke! Perhaps you may not think it was a lot of work, what did you contribute to the rearing of the dolls? A baby requires a lot of attention, in the case of your partnership there were two infants double the work for Hinata.

"I-Iruka-sensei it's okay r-really I."

"Hinata I am chastising Sasuke at the moment please sit down."

"Yes Iruka-sensei."

And that was when Sasuke's chin hit the table.

"Now despite this the babies are still alive A-. Now Gaara and Tenten. It's good to see that you are still alive Tenten. Please tell everyone what you learned from the situation."

Tenten looked at Gaara and smiled, "I learned that I got the best deal out of everybody. A partner that didn't know what he was doing but was willing to learn. Parenting is about more than just creating a baby, and who changes diapers. It's about teaching a brand new person how to get along in the world, and getting to know who that new little person is…it's amazing. It's scary and I am grateful I had the experience I had with Ryu-bi and Gaara."

Iruka blinked,"Wow someone really learned something. Good. Gaara do you have something to add?"

"Babies feel like love."

"Okay. Glad you feel that way. Congratulations you all have passed the course."

"Great so can we leave?" Shikamaru asked blandly.

Iruka's eyes arched into two happy creasents—waaay to much like Kakashi-sensei for Naruto Sasuke and Sakura's comfort…

"Not a chance there is still one more little part to this class, thank hokage sama for it by the way. Ino and Neji please come forward."

They exchanged a glance but stood up to obey their former sensei's order. Once they reached the front of the class, Iruka took their dolls and laid them on the table. Ino Neji, please say hello to Ayame. She's yours for the next 12 hours."

"Ayame?" It was then that Genma opened the classroom door and lead a—would be cute if not for the killing intent and glare the little girl bore. Blond haired, blue eyed and everything about her screaming attitude problem.

"You will all be taking care of a three year old today. Good luck. Ino Neji you are dismissed."

Ino cautiously extended a hand to the little girl, she glared at it, then at Ino and turned her nose up. Neji grabbed her by the scruff of her shirt and led the little snot from the room.

"Right Sasuke-kun and Hinata please meet—"Iruka looked down at his clipboard. "Miko."

"I don WANNA! I don WAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! MAMA! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Sasuke has candy."

"Candy?" And suddenly she was a little angel.

Sasuke mumbled something about buying a crate of candy, and left holding the hand of a very happy little girl.

Shortly thereafter Shino and Naruto met their little nightmare by the name of Sasuke. Yes Naruto was very verbally upset…to the point of bringing little Sasuke to tears. He soon learned that sneezing, laughing loudly, and in some cases breathing could bring Sasuke to tears.

Sakura and Lee were assigned Akane aka Satan's niece as Sakura had dubbed her. (Lee opted for full of zest and creative vigor of spring!)

Shikamaru and Temari met Toko a lively little boy that enjoyed burning things…great.

Chouji during Toko's experiment with a wastebasket full of paper and a small fire jutsu—and Temari's reaction therein (let's just leave it at that was one well behaved little boy for the rest of his life)made a hasty escape out of window.

Leaving Kiba and Kankuro with two very different little boys. Sumo and Hitachi.

A very nervous Tenten and a curious Gaara were last. Iruka cleared his throat and said that there really weren't any ninja in the village who felt saf—er comfort-er they just didn't want to subject Gaara's delicate patience to their children. So Iruka had made arrangements with the civilian orphanage for their child.

Tenten leaned towards Gaara as a sign of comfort…Gaara ignored it and focused on the smiling little girl that Iruka led up to him. Long brown hair, and huge eyes she smiled at him like she wasn't afraid…

"This is Tohru. Good luck!"

AN:

Oi I know I know I know! I am a sick person but it wouldn't go away! Now for KakaIru randomness!

Title: Drabble: Erm…  
Genre:Humor  
Characters: KakaIru  
Comments: I have no idea how to describe this without ruining the complete pointlessness. It was vaguely inspired by 'Don't come around' by Macy Gray—the beginning at least then it degenerated to this.

Status:Done

"Chicken or beef?" Kakashi asked with a smile.

Iruka ground his teeth, and forced himself not to strangle the cheerful man currently sitting between himself and Genma.

"Chicken it is!"

"Kakashi sensei-"

"Oi Kakashi what the hell do you want?" Genma growled.

Kakashi blinked at him, and then his single eye curved up in a happy smile, "What do you mean? I want the same thing you want. _Dinner_!" Entirely to cheerfully said.

"The hell you do." Genma mumbled.

Kakashi ignored him and turned to Iruka with the menu, "Now what kind of chicken do you think? Hunan—Orange-- General Tso?"

Iruka was developing a very unhealthy eyebrow tick. "_No_ thank you…"

"Ah how about fried? Baked maybe?"

"Will you just leave?"

"We haven't eaten yet?" The tone was uncomfortably close to a whine.

"Suddenly I am no longer hungry…" Iruka said getting up from the table.

Genma followed.

"Ah so where are we going now sensei?"

Iruka turned on the innocently smiling copy-nin with death in his eyes. "_I_ am going home."

"I'll walk you-" Genma began.

"I am going home _alone_."

"But-"

"A-_LONE_!"

"Ohh someone isn't getting enough calcium." Kakashi tsked, holding up a can of chocolate milk power… "_Ninquick_ it has a full day's calcium to help build strong bones and teeth!"

"And it tastes great too!" Genma chimed in.

Iruka woke up screaming, and staring at the smiling faces of three children sporting brown milk moustaches and holding up glasses of chocolate milk in an unnaturally sunny kitchen. He threw a sock at the TV pushed himself out of his chair and stormed out of his front door sans shoes and cheerful ponytail. Fifth one this week damn it! This had to END and NOW!

Three minutes-- freezing rain, and about 15 strange looks at the muttering _glaring_ shoeless academy sensei, he reached his destination.

A perfectly innocent non-descript apartment door. It wasn't quite so non-descript after he nearly put his foot through it kicking it open.

The very tired and (paranoid) high strung ninja on the other side quickly put his weapons away –he reconsidered after getting a good look at the heaving mud splattered soaking wet ninja standing in his doorway. He opted for a curved eyed smile and a somewhat confused, "Ah hello Iruka-sensei…" instead.

The chunin pointed a shaking finger at the (dry, warm and content) elite jounin sitting at his kitchen table enjoying a warm cup of tea the bastard. "You…"

Kakashi(oh come on you knew it was him) tilted his head to the left, "Me?"

"_YOU_!" Louder this time. "_YouyouYOU_!"

"Me me _me_?"

They stared at each other for a moment, finally Kakashi decided his tea didn't need to get cold while Iruka was having a mental break so he took a sip…that apparently wasn't a good idea. It seems that chunin having mental meltdowns didn't like to see people _enjoying_ a cup of tea…or maybe it was just something personal against sleepy time tea?

Either way it went Kakashi's perfectly made cup of sleepy time and honey would up on his freshly shampooed carpet. (He had it done every time he left for extended missions, it made the apartment feel _fresher_ when he returned.) Iruka pinned beneath him one of the sensei's legs managed to wrap around his upper thigh and the other trying to knock over his table.

"Okay…Iruka-sensei I get the feeling you are upset with me about something?" Kakashi asked as nicely as a (jounin just returned from a four week mission and hell bent on enjoying a nice cup of tea and his favorite book) tired ninja could manage.

"You!"

"I think we've established me already…"

"What are you some kind of crazy person?"

"…This from the guy who just kicked in my door and attacked me?"

Iruka continued as if he hadn't spoken, "Leave me alone!"

Kakashi blinked, "Okay…are we at the part where you make sense yet?"

Iruka glared at him, until Kakashi got the hint to let him up.

Iruka dusted himself off and pointed at him again, "If you want to go out with me ask me!"

"Huh?"

"I said ask me out you bastard!"

Kakashi tilted his head to the side, maybe the chunin had really lost his mind, but still a gift horse was a gift horse… "Will you go to dinner with me?"

"NO! Now stay out of my dreams you asshole!" And with that he stormed back out into the rain and towards home. Righteous indignation floating behind him like a cape.

Leaving behind one very confused jounin—but not for long. Two seconds later, "May I borrow a pair of sandals please?"

"That depends am I loaning them to Iruka or _the other_?"

Iruka glared, then unwillingly smiled.(missing the fact that Kakashi was PERFECTLY serious.)

Kakashi looked down at the little girl sitting on his lap, then to the three young jounin on the couch. Sasuke's uninterested glaze was still firmly in place, Sakura was shaking her head, and Naruto looked like he was gearing up for-

"LIAR! Iruka-sensei would never—blah blah blah…"

_That_.

"And that is how I met your chichi Seirei-chan." He continued patting the little girl on the head like a puppy—but a favored puppy. Iruka said she'd grow on him after a while.

**A/N: The beginning that became a dream really was supposed to have happened in the beginning the fic was supposed to be about Kakashi breaking off their relationship but changing his mind and deciding to skip the part where he grovels for forgiveness and picks up where they left off. The whole idea was inspired by the line "Let's make this a happy ending and try to stay friends, but you see if this love affair was happy then it would not END." Yeah I'm weird like that.**

**Just some more kakairu fun….**

It was a _sad_ day. A chunnin of Konoha hiding from enemy jounin beneath the hokage's desk. What made it worse was the enemy jounin were Konoha ninja...just about all of the bastards had lost the pinkie finger hold they had on sanity at the same time!

Iruka supressed a sigh and reigned in his charka. The image of a black cloak dropping over a birdcage accompanied the action.

He hoped it was enough...a flicker of charka was his only warning that someone had entered the room--that and the pair of sandaled feet that were currently standing before his hiding place.

The covered face of Hatake Kakashi appeared before him, his one uncovered eye curved into a cresant.

"Kakashi did you find anything?" Iruka was certain that was Kurenai's voice.

Iruka forced himself not to scream and make a break for the window. The forceful suppression of this instinct almost made him miss Kakashi's reply.

"No nothing here."

"Damn."

Iruka sent him a thankful smile.

Kakashi continued to smile. "Hm not yet?" With a shrug he disappeared, leaving Iruka to figure out his next move.

6 hours earlier….

**The book of unrepeatable mistakes….**

It was a plain looking journal, black cover, gold flake lettering on the front.

_The book of unrepeatable mistakes. _He'd found it underneath Iruka-sensei's bed that morning while hiding from Sakura's wrath. Sheesh girls were sensitive about being pantsed in public. That was something that was going down in _Naruto's_ book of unrepeatable mistakes. So far he'd learned that his beloved sensei had a very interesting life.

Mistake # 10

Never ever EVER share a bed with an ANBU. If in the future I manage to forget the stitches should remind me.

Mistake # 11

Never break-up with an ANBU! They are efficient killers, loyal to a fault and _frighteningly_ sensitive to rejection. To effectively avoid having to break up with an ANBU never _date_ an ANBU. This includes former ANBU and anyone that worked in ANBU facilities.

Mistake # 12

_ANBU _do move about Konoha incognito….signs to distinguish ANBU from normal shinobi.

_Step 1: Ask. If yes proceed to step 2 if no compare subject to relationship criteria chart. _

_Step 2: If yes remove self immediately from the situation with believable lie. (Sidenote: I have to feed my dog is not a believable lie.)_

_Step 3: If step 2 does not work .Proceed to step 3. Create a fictional significant other—a shinobi or kunochi on an extended mission is preferable._

Mistake # 13

_It's like I got sprayed with some kind of psycho attracting cologne or something! I have ANBU hitting on me like sugar ants on a birthday cake! ANBU avoidance procedure is now obsolete. ANBU are to be treated as extremely powerful enemy shinobi. Distract and escape for backup. (Naruto serves as a very effective ANBU repellent and can easily be purchased with ramen.)_

Mistake # 14

_Be aware of attraction to silver haired shinobi. They are highly dangerous and bad for my health. Avoid all at all costs._

_Mistake # 15 _

_Mizuki is NOT the exception to mistake # 14 _

_Mistake # 16_

_Hiro is also not the exception to mistake # 14_

_Mistake # 17 _

_Dating a Hyuuga is like dating a very needy octopus with x-ray vision. _

_Mistake # 18_

_Never dump a Hyuuga face to face. Always have someone else do it for you—then leave the city for a few weeks. _

_Mistake # 19_

_Oysters really are an aphrodisiac. Eat with caution. _

_Mistake # 20 _

_Maitou Gai. _

_Never let Kurenai set me up on a blind date!_

_Mistake # 21_

_Gai again…when will I learn?!_

_Mistake # 22_

_The following are never to be in the same room as me again: nipple clamps, tequila, whip cream, split pea soup, yams, extension cords, ball gags, and electric current machines. _

_Mistake # 23_

_Chocolate sauce can leave second degree burns if over heated. _

_Mistake # 24_

_Avoid elite jounin like the plague. _

_Mistake # 25_

_Never date Anko_

_Mistake # 26_

_Never date Anko…again! _

_Mistake # 27_

_Okay seriously this time no more Anko! Also if I anger Anko be certain that I have already had my apartment key returned. _

Naruto paused and scratched his chin, so was that why Iruka-sensei had been using Kurenai-sensei's hands to choke Anko that one time---and why was Iruka-sensei's apartment on fire. Come to think of it Anko-san had seemed rather drunk at the time.

_Mistake # 28_

_Milk and sake._

_Mistake # 29_

_High heels and sake. _

_Mistake # 30_

_Never drink with Genma. Never enter a drinking contest with Genma never—speak to Genma._

_Mistake # 31_

_Going to any shows with Genma that contain the word donkey, mule, horse, pearl, furries or anything that has four legs and fur. Second perfect memory loss jutsu—and seek professional therapy. _

_Mistake # 32_

_Never go ANYWHERE with Genma. _

_Mistake # 33_

_Never fall asleep in edible underwear._

"GAH!" some of the things that Naruto had read finally penetrated his young impressionable mind. He quickly shuffled past the page. Iruka sensei…was Iruka sensei a lie? Naruto scratched his head and began reading again.

Iruka's relationship criteria chart:

Sanity. A rare commodity in a ninja village that should never be taken for granted.

Polite. I am a polite person (Naruto snorts) and believe that someone similar in temperament would be the best choice for a long term relationship.

Mature. Maturity is an important factor in any and all relationships. I deal with children all day long why would I want to come home to a child in an adults body?

Non-ANBU, Non-elite, Non-jounin. See criteria 1 for explanation.

Absolutely under no conditions whatsoever deal with silver haired men. They have an unnatural tendency to try and _kill_ me.

No bad boys/girls. See criteria 5.

No Anko. See criteria 1, 4, 6.

No perverts. Self explanatory.

The ability to carry on an intelligent conversation.

Good in bed.

No Maitou Gai. Self-explainatory.

Must love children, must want children, must be good with children, must be patient kind, and warm hearted.

Naruto scratched his head again and nodded sagely, "Sah Iruka-sensei is picky…"

"There you are you! Naruto!" Sakura's forehead glinted with the deadly ire of a recently (publicly) pantsed girl wearing Hello Kitty underwear at the mature age of thirteen.

Sasuke snorted, and stuck his pinky in his ear as the loud and extremely brutal beating began. He stepped out of the way of the orange missile that was now Naruto and directly onto the book that said missle had been reading up until now.

"Book of unrepeatable mistakes?" He glanced over to where Sakura was currently grinding Naruto's head into the dirt with her foot, deciding she was going to be doing that for a while. He sat down and began reading.

"Ah the world must be ending Sasuke's reading something that's not a jutsu scroll." Kakashi's voice preceded him snatching the book from Sasuke's surprised fingers.

His visible eyebrow shot up into his hairline, "Unrepeatable mistakes?

"Yeah…Iruka-sensei has crytera or something." Naruto sat up rubbing his head. "Sheesh Sakura-chan that hurt…are you sure you're a girl damn-OW!" Once again Naruto was eating dirt.

"What does it say Kakashi-sensei?" She asked sweetly. Grinding her heel into the back of Naruto's skull. Good thing it's made out of stone.

Kakashi shrugged and flipped the book open.

"It says no silver haired bastards!" Naruto supplied from the tree.

And should I continue this? This is NOT an Gaara Tenten romance thing! It's a NejiTen and LeeGaa

30 years of friendship

It started simply enough Iruka-sensei's random pairings in the classroom. But during the course of the assignment. The red haired freak grew on me, little was I to know he would be one of the most enduring friendships I ever had.

The 10th year.

On my 18th birthday, two things happened. I found out that Gaara and Lee were 'dating'. And Neji asked(told) me set a firm wedding date. I was so happy that Gaara had found someone and I gushed over it for hours. I couldn't help it I know it was so stinkin' girly but it was like a reflex. You know someone throws a kunai at your head, and shuriken at your solar plexes, you automatically spin sideways and counter attack… It was like that. I know it got on his nerves as much as he liked it.

He returned the favor by getting me a big box of chocolate and listened quietly as I hyperventilated about the fact that I was running out of hiding spots from Neji. Persistant _ass_, why couldn't he get it that I am not the marrying type. I mean come on the day I marry into the Hyuga is the day the life and existence of Tenten ends.

Yeah I see that look you're giving me, I'll explain it the way I explained it to Gaara…matter of fact lets just watch my explanation to Gaara.

(The Author's lazy shift out of first person yea!)

Tenten sighed, "Okay it's like this. This is Neji—"

"…That's a pink sugar packet."

"Yea I know pretend it's Neji. So this is—"

"…That's unreasonable. Neji should be the white one."

"Why does it matter?"

"…it just does."

"FINE. Let's say THIS is Neji! Happy now?"

"Yes. Continue."

Tenten sighed and gave the sugar packet a tap. "Great this is Neji's DNA…"

"But I thought the packet was Neji…"

"NEJI AND NEJI'S DNA ARE THE SAME DAMN THING!"

Several sand nin looked anxiously in their direction. Over the years they had become used to the Kazekage's choice of (Loud cough Naruto) friends, but seven years of homicidal rampage wasn't something you forgot easily. It was always best to have your weight on your toes when they came to visit.

Tenten didn 't even notice anymore, "Will you let me tell you the damn story!"

"Okay, but I don't see why we had to establish Neji as the sugar packet if you were going to change it to DNA…shouldn't the sugar be the dna?"

"Gaara you are my best friend, and I love you like a brother…"

"Yet you are clutching that sugar bowl like a weapon…"

"Erm… Gaara I think it best if you stop talking now." Lee suggested finally joining them at the table.

"…" It still was a sugar packet but whatever.

"Thanks Lee."

"No problem now what about Neji's DNA?"

"Okay this is Hyuuga DNA—shut it Gaara! Shut it! Now this is my dna." She slides the pink sugar packet next to 'Neji'.

"Okay."

"Now this is Gaara's DNA-"

"Why is my dna here?"

"I'm getting to that. Now if I were to combine my dna with Gaara—"

"You mean have a baby?"

"Yes have a baby. If we were to have a baby. A part of me, and a part of you would produce little Gaara…"

" Why is little Gaara a yellow sugar packet? You're a pink one and I'm a brown one how do we get yellow?"

"Because there are no beige sugar packets on the table. Now will you listen?"

" If there was a second baby maybe a different result."

"A pink one this time?"

"Yes or a brown or something! But with the Hyuuga, it doesn't matter because the offspring will always be white sugar packets."

"What? That's not possible!" Lee this time. "Unless it's a jutsu to erm…" Lee had sunk into his thinking pose. Tenten and Gaara shared a look, as the image of sperm wearing konoha forehead protectors and totting kunai briefly flashed in their minds.

Tenten quickly changed the subject. " Have you seen Neji's mother?"

No."

"I have she's beautiful. She has black hair and skin the color of caramel..."

"Really? You'd think-"

"Exactly. After Neji's father died she left the mansion and remarried."

"Left Neji?"

"No choice, that's the way it goes with them… the man she remarried is very fair skinned like Neji. She has three other children all three look just like her."

"Wow….Neji has siblings."

"You missed the point of the story Lee!"

"So what is the point?"

"You do not want to be forgotten. You want to be able to see a part of yourself live on in some way."

Tenten nodded, and smiled warmly at the two men. Gaara sat behind the Kazekage's desk paperwork neatly stacked on either side of him. Lee had found a clear spot to perch on the edge. There was so much affection in the room—she wasn't sure how she knew. There were no heated glances, no touching, hell they didn't even lean towards each other. But she still felt as uncomfortable as if they were making out on Gaara's desk infront of her.

Before that thought could highjack her brain luckily there was a soft knock on the door followed immediately by a very harassed looking female chunnin.

"Kazekage-sama I am sorry to bother you." She bowed briefly, then turned her attention to Tenten. "Tenten-san there is a gentleman downstairs wishing to speak with you."

The place where Gaara's eyebrows should have been raised. " Wow he got here fast."

"Crap." Unconciously her eyes traveled to the window.

"He says, you should not bother saying you're not here. He can see you."

"CRAP!"

That was the day the first permanent date was set for their wedding. Janurary 1st, Gai-sensei's birthday. He was overjoyed, many a manly tear flowed the day he was informed. Many more on the day itself—not for joy though.

Year 11

Janurary 4th at four in the morning, Gaara hadn't been allowed to leave the village for Tenten's wedding, Lee had been sent on an routine B rank mission in Wave Country and wasn't due back for another three days. This equaled to one very cross Kazekage. For some reason _that_ equaled to one very quiet administrative building for the last seven days. Until Tenten in a torn and dirty wedding gown, one of her hairbuns torn loose with white flowers holding on for dear life to one of her curls, a bouquet in one hand and a giant bucket of jutsued ice cream in the other.

"…I'll get some spoons…And sake."


	6. Chapter 6

Ino and Neji

It was lunch time and therefore round five in what Neji had silently dubbed the battle of the bitches. Ayame had taken the early lead winning the battle on wearing shoes, but Ino had quickly recovered and took complete control of the situation.

And he meant complete, currently the little girl was sitting quietly glaring at a bowl of pickled beets and rice. The kid had demanded bbq. Had actually thrown a bowl of natto at his head, then herself on the floor kicking and screaming. Ino had done nothing until she got around to calling her fat.

Then (as Naruto liked to say) it was on and poppin'….and Neji had quietly blended with the shadows when the fight got violet. He was pretty sure there was a law somewhere about holding a child upside down and shaking them until they did what they were told. But who knows there might not be.

Hmm. Optimism looked good on him. Currently they were between rounds, he took another bite of rice, eyes closed. He felt the red hot glare the girl gave Ino, and Ino's molten ice glare in return. Neji checked his watch without opening his eyes, and pushed his chair back a little and kept chewing.

Turned out to be a good idea, pickled beets is really hard to get out of cotton. "YOU'RE UGLY I HATE YOU!!!!"

Four more hours, just four more hours. He wasn't sure if this sex education thing was supposed to make them want to wait to have sex—or never have sex, if it was aiming for never it was doing it's job wonderfully. Neji sighed and wondered if he should step in, even as Ino got a good fistful of blond hair and currently was yanking the little girl over the table.

Neji carefully moved his tea closer to himself and continued to chew. Yep never looked pretty good from where he was sitting. Vaguely he wondered if being gay would be okay no children in those unions right?

"Do you want to die you little shit?! Do you!"

Hinata and Sasuke

Miko was easy….at least as far as Sasuke was concerned. Especially now that she was curled on the floor asleep. Hinata was frowning down at the happily drooling little girl.

"Ano…Sasuke I don't think giving a toddler sleeping pills is a good idea."

Sasuke shrugged, and went back to oiling his weapons, occasionally doing a visual vitals check on the child. "She's both quiet and breathing isn't she? That works for me. Want to go get some dango? We've got about four hours to kill."

Hinata put the back of her hand under the little girls nose. She _was_ breathing. "Okay you're buying right?"

"Sure as long as you're carrying her."

Shikamaru and Temari

Temari straight and tall pacing in front of what Shikamaru now called an _unhealthly frightened little boy_. She'd had him standing at attention for a good two hours now. "Tell me once again when it is acceptable for a shinobi to use fire?"

The little boy swallowed back a fresh wave of tears and recited with a slightly less shaky voice, than the last five times she'd made him say it.

Temari frowned and nodded, "Very good. Now what are the first ten rules of the ninja?"

Okay now maybe she was going to far—"Oi Temari-"

"Do you have something to add Shikamaru-kun?

Shikamaru's eyes slid to pleading watery ones of the child—granted he was a little bit of a brat still… "Look Tema-"

"Do you have a problem with my methods of child rearing Shikamaru-kun?" she snapped not taking her eyes off her prey. He could feel the kids terrified eyes on him still, sensing an ally possibly a savior.

What a fuckin' pain, "Maybe--Erm-"

"Because if you do I certainly value your input. Parenting involves teamwork and a very good understanding of rules and communication, as well as the roles of both parties involved. What would you like your role to be in this partnership Shikamaru-kun?"

Shikamaru shifted his gaze to the kid's pleading face again, still looking for his savior.

Sorry kid.

"Silent works for me."

"Wise decision. Now _what_ is rule number one?"

Kiba and Kankuro

"No no no Hitachi you gotta get his _legs_ out from under him if you want that move to work. Don't be scared to fight dirty. Eye gouging, biting do what you gotta do!"

Kiba shook his head as the clumsy brat landed face first in the dirt. Again. Man why'd he pick the stupid one?

"Hah that's another 40 bucks, wanna go double or nothing?"

"That was double or nothing!"

"Triple or nothing?"

"Hell no."

Sakura and Lee

"Ah Lee-kun really it's okay now!" She said sweetly very sweetly. So sweetly it could have sweetened the tea of all of konoha for a year.

"Of course Sakura-san" Lee replied cautiously enthusiastic. Looking pointedly at the place where a five foot thick wall_ had_ been, a splintered table, and a metal chair that now looked more like a bread twiste. "Now if Sakura-san would put down the hammer maybe we could go for some of Gai-sensei's power ice cream?"

"I DON'T WANT IC-"

Lee slapped a hand over the little girl's mouth. "Let's not upset mommy anymore okay Akane-chan? Remember when we talked about survival instincts and respectful behavior?"

Shino and Naruto

"Sasuke…"Naruto's voice sounded very strained—watery blue eyes looked up at him followed by a loud wet sniff. Okay he was doing good so far. "Do you want to be a ninja?"

Sasuke shook his head, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"Good. Good now listen to Naruto-nii okay? Ninja's have to be tough! Strong."

"B-But I-"

"No no no calm down! Calm caaalm deep breath where's your inhaler? Okay good use your inhaler good boy. Alright now ninja have to be strong."

"Strong." Sasuke repeated.

"That's right. And brave!"

"Brave."

"Good! Now you're a strong and brave ninja in training right?!"

"Right!"

"Say it!"

"I'm a strong and brave ninja in training!"

"That's right and I ain't scared of no bugs!"

"And I ain't scared of no bugs!"

"And I ain't gonna cry as soon as Shino nii looks at me!"

"And I ain'—mama said I shouldn't say ain't"

"Right whatever just say it."

"And I ain't gonna cry when I see Shino-nii!"

"And I'm gonna let Nauro-nii get me down from the tree without screaming like a little girl so that he doesn't fail his sex education class because really at this point he just wants to never see another kid again in his entire life-EVER!"

Sasuke blinked, "That's a lot to-"

"Grab him!"

Shino materialized behind the child scooped him into his jacket and landed soundlessly on the ground. Sasuke went rigid and then passed out cold.

"Wow. This kid got a real problem with bugs or what?"

"…Two hours left."

Tenten and Gaara

Tenten would have paid in blood for a camera, right then.

"More tea Gaara-sama?" The little girl asked holding up the bright pink plastic tea server. Gaara stared at her for a moment then nodded slowly and held out his equally dainty tea cup for more imaginary tea.

They were currently back in Gaara's temporary rooms. On the way there Gaara had carefully stared at the little girl holding onto two of his fingers, and everything her eyes landed on---depending on how long those eyes stayed on the object determined if it was bought or not. Currently she had gotten a brand new stuffed bear bigger than she was, a baby turtle in a plastic case, a stuffed fish, a box of almond cookies, a bar of chocolate, a baby doll and a new tea set including child size pink table, chairs, saucers, cups and bowls. Tenten had stopped him when he started eyeing the children clothing stores.

It was a little creepy.

He didn't seem to notice that Tohru was getting more and more embarrassed as he bought things. Tenten noticed, and where the fuck was he getting that money from anyway?

"Bun-bun-san had a very good day today." She confided offering Gaara a plate of plastic cookies. Gaara took one and stared at it for a moment before pretending to eat it.

Tenten would be willing to pay with her _soul_ for a camera. Still though she felt a little left out… "Ne…Tohru-chan what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tohru blinked wide slightly glassy eyes at her, "A mommy!"

"Just a mommy?" Tenten asked.

Several hours later in Iruka's classroom

Iruka eyed the slightly haggard young ninja before him; he sincerely hoped that no one had been permanently scarred by the arrangement. He passed a clinical eye over the children. The one assigned to Sasuke and Hinata was rubbing his eyes and yawning, sitting on Sasuke's lap sucking his thumb. He was so cute.

Apparently Ino and Sakura had noticed as well by the large hearts that currently hovered over their heads.

Naruto currently had little Sasuke face pressed against his jacket mouth open and obviously screaming and crying for all he was worth into chest. Iruka could make out bad bug man gone? Shino was nowhere to be seen. Hmm that one might need some help.

Neji currently had their temporary bundle of joy sitting between them nose turned skyward specifically turning her back on Ino. Neji was rubbing his forehead with his eyes closed.

It seemed though that Temari had gotten the little pyro in line, he sat back straight with a controlled expression on his face that would put a member of ANBU to shame. Shikamaru just shook his head and sweated a little…that couldn't be good.

He was almost afraid when the door opened again a few seconds later to admit Tenten and Gaara, and what was left of the little girl assigned to them.

"Gaara! Come on we're late already!" Tenten held the door open as Gaara of the desert entered with Tohru clutching his fingers and talking happily about her day and Gaara-tousan's tea party—and Iruka's brain shut down to protect itself after that.

"Okay. So did anyone want to say anything before the children are returned?"

Silence. Long silence. Then finally…

"Where is Kankuro?" Gaara asked.

"Right here!" Kankuro waved walking into the room a heavily bandaged little boy on his shoulders. Kiba right behind him, an equally bandaged little boy on his shoulders. Both kids were grinning ear to ear, and missing several teeth.

Gaara looked up at the boys, then down at the little girl still holding his fingers and chattering happily at him.

"Well since no one has anything to say. This concludes your sex education class, since no one has lost their child or killed them you all passed. Leave your assigned children here you're free to-"

Iruka blinked down at the watery eyed little boy in his arms then at the screaming blond girl attached to his leg the sleepy kid formerly in Sasuke's lap and a trembling little girl formerly hiding behind Lee's chair.

Then to the room now empty of Naruto's, Sasuke's, Hinata's, Ino's , Neji's , Lee's and Sakura's. Leaving a confused Kiba and Kankuro.

Temari was giving her 'son' a last stern lecture on proper ninja way. Shikamaru was being held captive at her side. Gaara was still staring at the little girl holding his fingers.

He nodded slowly at her, pulled a pink bunny out of his pocket and gave it to her. She beamed at him, held out her arms for hug, Tenten leaned closer to him to tell him she wanted a hug, then Iruka's brain shut down again as said demon vessel knelt and hugged the little girl.

Stood glared at Iruka like he'd stolen his money, turned on his heel without another word and left.

Iruka decided he needed a strong drink, and when he found where Kakashi was hiding he was going to get a massage and his house cleaned too.

2 weeks later…. in Suna

"Ahh! I told you Temari! Didn't I tell you his gourd looked bigger?!"

Temari rubbed her eyes, ignoring her brother. All of her attention focused on her youngest brother. "Gaara…"

"She stays." He said flatly taking the cup of imaginary tea Tohru handed him.

"But Gaara!"

"She stays."

"Temari-chan would you like some tea?"


End file.
